Relationships: What the Hell are you Saying!?

Posted by Alex on December 31, 2008 under Social Awareness, gender relations |

I get this feeling that I don’t interpret the world the way my female friends do. I see the signs all over: from the way they ask me questions like “What are you wearing on Tuesday?” to the way they talk about events that I was certainly present for, but somehow missed like “I wonder what’s bothering Juan.” Juan’s bothered?

I feel like the kid who didn’t have cable must have felt when everyone on the bus started talking about favorite episodes of Fraggle Rock. “I know it’s a T.V. show, but what the hell is a fraggle?” [1] I know, too, that this process goes both ways, because almost weekly I hear “I would never even think of doing what you just did!” This usually happens in the car with my lady friend.

Last week, I was set up to go to a fancy-schmancy party with the aforementioned lady. Here’s the conversation that took place:

Her: I need you to dress up for this.
Me: Sure. I can get my suit out of the closet.
Her: No, not a suit.
Me: Oh. Well, I’ll wear what I wear when we go out to eat. [2]
Her: (frustrated) No, dressed up!
Me: (flabbergasted) Do you want me to wear what I wear to work?
Her: (further frustrated) Those are work clothes. I want you to dress up!
Me: (bewildered with befuddlement) What the hell are you saying to me!?
Her: (words are inadequate here) Look, do what you want.
Me: Can I wear jeans?
Her: -click-
Me: …so, I can wear jeans?

This kind of thing happens all the time. The following story isn’t true, but it truthfully illustrates the point I’m trying to illustrate here:

Once upon a time, I was sitting across the table from my sweetheart.  It was dinner time and there were all sorts of foods and ornamentation, including a giant decorative pot of who-knows-what, in the middle of the table.  As the dinner went on she kept telling me about this mysterious food item that I couldn’t see beyond the monstrous vessel sitting between us.  “The texture isn’t what I’d expect,” she said.  “Mm-hmm?” I replied.  “It’s sort of cheesy, but there’s something else to it,” she insisted.  “Ah.”

This went on for 15 minutes.  I tried to ignore it, I really did.  But she had no word for this food item, just weird descriptions.  I’m not proud of it, but finally I cracked.  “What the hell are you saying to me!?”

Now there were two ways to go from there.  I could have taken the familiar route and argued the point, where she would have inevitably said, “Of course you know what I’m talking about- Stop being stupid!”  Or I could try something new.  I asked her point blank to show me what she was talking about.  She pulled me over to her side of the table and there, after a moment of searching, I saw it — plain as day.  It was a bowl of cheesy grits.  Who the hell eats grits!?

While that story wasn’t strictly historical, these sort of situations do come up relatively often, especially when it has to do with social situations or my wardrobe- sometimes I need to call backup. After consulting with Stephanie on this theoretical new category of “dressed up,” [3] I called my date.

Me: The dress you’re wearing — what’s it like?
Her: It’s black and… something… chest… something… back…
Me: I bet it looks great on you.
Her: Yeah, it’s really great!
Me: Now, as you’re wearing that dress at the fancy schmancy party, do me a favor and imagine your date.
Her: Okay.
Me: Is he wearing jeans? [4]

Though Alex is frequently bewildered by the company he keeps, he would never actually snap at his sweetums.

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1. We’ve seen photographs and still aren’t sure.
2.

3. It involves a vest.
4. Her: No!