Twilight: Crack for Kids

Posted by Stephanie on December 10, 2008 under Books, Reviews |

Have you read any of the books in the Twilight series? I recently flew through the first two books, and I’m here to tell ya: teenage girls never had a chance.

I’ll read just about anything, but I avoided the books for, well, a couple of years because I suspected they were total literary drivel. Was I right? Oh, mais oui, mes amis!! The prose is stilted, the language repetitive, and the foreshadowing is as thick as peanut butter.

Surprisingly, none of this changes the fact that the author is a freaking genius. Sure, the writing itself is mediocre, but the sentiments are like a shot of pretty pink heroin into a romance junkies vein. I mean, what teenage girl could resist a handsome (but dangerous!) young man who is obviously too good for her, but vows to love her no matter what because he can see her true beauty! Myers may need a little help in the editing department, but her books are hardwired to appeal to teenage girls, the schmoopiest of schmoopie lovers.

The Twilight series centers around Bella Swan, the girl every fifteen year old wants to be. Bella is pale and delicate, the kind of pretty I wanted to be at that age. Bella is smart, and generally tries to do the right thing. She also trips and faints a lot, but that works out really well as her sweetheart is THE STRONGEST MAN ALIVE!

Edward is a vampire, so he can actually do all the things girls wish that their boyfriends were capable of.

See Edward carry Bella from the yard to her upstairs bedroom! Watch as he runs through the forest (and up a hill!) with her perched on his back! Even schmoopier, see how they lie in Bella’s bed every night while he chastely cradles her in his arms, sings her a lullaby (that he wrote! like, just for her? OMG!), and holds her to his marble chest as she sleeps. Man, what girl could resist, even if it is just pulp?

To make things even better, Bella’s other sometimes boyfriend is an honest-to-God Werewolf. Wolf Boy is the brawn to Edward’s brain. He’s a 6′7, skin-shedding, vampire-eating kind of guy that rebuilds Bella’s motorcycle and, oh yes, carries her around whenever she faints. Wolf Boy loves the parts of Bella that give Edward pause; her impetuousness, her need to rebel, her vibrant humanity. Bella is lucky enough to have found two men who love her equally, but for different reasons. The author has created the perfect situation by having the boys love opposing forces in Bella’s personality. What teenage girl wouldn’t love to be told that all parts of her are equally lovable?

Not only do both of these men love different parts of Bella, she loves the converse traits in the two men. Bella’s choice between Edward and Jacob represents the tension that I think many women feel in their dating life. This is the problem: do you go with the earthy manly man who knows how to frame a house and makes you feel like a lady, but refuses to go to the ballet? Or do you choose the smarty-pants who broods all the time but writes you dreamy poems about fate and eternity? I’m still working on this one myself, so it’s no surprise that teenage girls are all atwitter over Bella’s options.

The best part of these books is how reliable they are. I’ve only read the first two, but I would bet money that I can summarize how this thing’s gonna play out:

Book 3: Sucks to be You, Bella

People are gonna die. I dunno who and I dunno why, but the odds are good someone is gonna get tragically mauled. However, this is all just a prelude to the massive vampire lovefest that’s gonna go down in Book Four.

Book 4:The Vampy, Vampy Lovefest

Afer a couple hundred pages of hemming and hawing, Bella and Edward will get married in the meadow at (you guessed it!) twilight. Since Edward has finally gotten his crap together and has stopped acting like an idiot, Bella’s dad will forgive them and will be present at the ceremony (or even better, Bella’s dad will be killed by Big Foot and Edward’s dad will give her away! Yesss!) A truce will be called between the vampires and the werewolves just in time for the big day. Hopefully Wolf Boy will show up at the wedding with his new lady friend, some foxy wolfette from his village, and wish Bella a tearful good luck before she walks down the… meadow to Edward’s manyl, manly arms. A good time will be had by all, followed by kinky, kinky vampire sex.

However, you and I both know it wouldn’t be kinky. It will be beautiful! So beautiful your face will melt off!  I’m betting on candlelight, roses,

the entire nine yards. I’m guessing Edward will sprout wings (or something else equally ridiculous will happen) and fly them to the French Countryside, where they will make love by moonbeam in a deserted French castle in front of a roaring fire. Even though both of them are virgins, you’ll never know it from the silky prose Ms. Myers is going to throw at us. I’ll eat my hat if one of these little gems doesn’t show up:

“I had no idea that such physical ecstasy was possible.”
“He held me gently as I trembled in his muscular arms.”
“Finally, the two of us were one. It had all been worth it.”

Of course, nothing I dream up is going to be as good as the real thing. As soon as I get off work tomorrow I’m going to drive straight to my friend Carrie’s house and beg her to lend me the last two books. I know I wouln’t be able to start them for a day or two, but just having them in my car will make me feel a little better. After all, an entire day of working retail is much too long when you’re jones-ing for your next hit of classy, classy vampire love.

Despite allegations, Stephanie has never once had to eat a hat in her posession.  Never.  Ever.